From Shelf-Help To Self-Help
Why meditation doesn’t work for majority of people? When exactly does that resolve to read a self-help book turns into an inert skimming through trite precepts? What is it that douses the fiery zest to work out every next day? Let’s begin from the beginning. The two parts of the word self-help do not share the usual semantic balance of a compound word like blueberry, haircut etc. We picture a berry that is blue when we hear or think blueberry. But ‘help from self’ evokes nothing. Although it does provoke a passive qualm. I’ll come to the ‘self’ later (if needed). The answer to the semantic imbalance lies in the misperception of the word help. A lever makes a physically impossible task possible. With help we can do an uneasy task easily. The difference between easy and automatic resonates with the difference between doing a thing and getting things done. Active and passive; both are considered ways of doing but are not the same for the obvious reason that we conveniently ignore. With the misperception of help, the tool, an inanimate object, does the task. The real problem arises when the task is not done.
There are two parts of a doing as we perceive it. One is the doing. Another is the outcome. The motivation to get to the outcome drives the doing. Soon this ‘getting to the outcome’ demands less time. This demand keeps spiralling downwards from ‘in less time’ to ‘in no time’. For machines it might be possible but we are biological beings. Whether it is while enjoying the reward or toiling away, we are alive. We cannot stop feeling or thinking while working. Our minds are conditioned to disconnect with our aliveness while doing a task. There is a constant pressure to detach from ‘how we feel’ as we try hard to do the task mechanically. With no doubt, we fail. Here comes the most terrible misperception that we entertain at the cost of our productivity: focus. The question is, are we really focused on the task while rejecting the feelings and thoughts.
When the outcome is not instant, we develop an inner resistance to the task at hand. We want to do the task but there is a constant friction. We need something other than our effort to proceed. A help. Remember, here I am talking about doable tasks. Reading that self-help book, meditating, exercising, suppressing impulse, delaying gratification; we can do all of that but do we. They bring welfare in all aspects of the living. There is motivation, reason and logic, still the inner resistance. A constructive process never has a quick outcome yet we constantly look for result reports to be confident about the task. Hence, the resistance. The mind is the coach and the mind is the learner. It needs help. But then, help slowly turns into a habit and monotony replaces the motivation. A strong resistance arises against the purpose, priming biases and guilt.
I want us all to look deeply at the purpose of wanting to get help; to read that self-help book on the shelf. What is it that we want from ourselves (self) when we buy a self-help book, start an exercise routine, join a meditation class? Improve our living, right! A purpose that is in sync with our aliveness. The purpose is there; the help we need is there; then what goes wrong? Purpose and help sure are there but we (self) are not. The ‘self’ is not there because it doesn’t know how to be there. The ‘self’ doesn’t know how to help itself. It always looks out for help. Please don’t blame yourself for this. We don’t know because we haven’t learned how to. This is something we must have been taught in schools. But learning doesn’t end with school.
The tool (help) is not the doer, the hands (self) that uses it is the doer. The tool is important and it must be given a value; value not a misperception. Any help will work when we know how to use it. When we are aware that help isn’t autonomous. Help depends on us to be used not the other way around. When the help works out, we get overwhelmed. When it doesn’t, we get inactively reactive. Both are equally ineffective in a long-term learning: the purpose. It is hard to coach yourself but it is not that hard to learn. The key lies in nothing other than mindful practice.
How can we make the mind mindful? It is the mind that creates the distraction in the first place. Mind is also a tool. The tool that only ‘the self’ can use but can’t use it well hence fumble. Before applying a tool in a doing, one must learn how to use it. Meditation, self-help books, exercise etc. is to help us sharpen that tool. It is convicted as a waste of time because the time invested in sharpening the tool can be used in the actual doing. And I don’t have to state the result of such doing. We have access to all the hard-earned wisdom of the world excavated by the wise minds. But how easy it is to actually acclimate the learning not just know it. It’s not easy because we are skipping the first step: most important step. To take that first step we need to be mindful. Being mindful is not a superpower but natural to us sentient beings. We only need to learn how to, like swimming or riding a bicycle. Any practice turns into habit. Habits make us what we are. By ancient habits passed through generations after generations the resistance to this natural process has been cemented. The silver lining is in the word habit. Any habit can be acquired and any habit can be changed. Now go grab that book, take a deep breath, and be.
